One thing I am working on in my spiritual quest is my deep seated and sometimes unrecognized emotions.
Today I’m taking a hard look at envy. Jealousy. The green eyed monster. That feeling that gets our blood boiling, our nerves quaking and makes us sick in the long run. We don’t want to have envy. We know it’s not becoming. Yet…there it is. It’s like when a little child is sick and cannot control themselves when they throw up. It just comes up wherever they are standing. A big ugly mess. Then, as they grow older they learn to run to the bathroom, or use a container. Weird analogy but it’s the best one I can think of…..and as we get older we need to figure out how to control our envy.
Envy is human nature. Without it we wouldn’t learn, move on, evolve or change direction in our lives. The problem lies, I think, in the way in which it (the feeling of envy) is brought to light within ourselves. So it’s not so much that we feel envy, but what we do with the feeling.
Step back from the feeling when it rears it’s ugly head. Stop and try to understand where it’s coming from. If you don’t, you’ll forever let it smolder and those feelings will become who you are. It will cause rifts and end relationships. So what happens when we are envious? Envy is cloaked in a dark hood and comes out of our mouths in the form of a nasty remark, the pleasure taken when something bad happens to a person, the wishing of ill thought on a person or misfortune upon them and the picking apart of everything good by finding everything you can think of that is bad to offset it. Instead of letting ill thoughts spew out, take a moment and try to understand where this is coming from. Once you figure out the root source or feeling, it will become a learning experience. That is, if you are willing to learn from it.
Let’s look at a couple instances. My friend buys an expensive boat. My envy creeps in. I immediately feel resentment. I feel the jealousy building and I think to myself, “this friend is one of those people that always seem to have enough, more than enough, even when times are lean…despite being one of the biggest jerks I know, neglects their relationships and thinks they are superior. And here I am, working my ass off and stagnant. And I’M a good person!”
Now, what is wrong with that statement? The first thing I did is try to find something ‘wrong’ with that person. Therefore, I degraded the character of my friend. I am not envious of the new boat that he/she has because I want one…I am envious because somewhere along the line I failed myself in working toward my goals and getting myself into a situation financially that is difficult. In order to validate my envy, I had to turn them into a bad person. To bring them to my level of discontent. Misery loves company…even if the other person isn’t really miserable.
Or how about this example? A group of friends and I have all been single for many years. We go out, have a great time, we laugh. One friend announces her engagement. I’m happy at first but then I say something hurtful, “Oh, I’ll give that about a year…then you’ll be back on the market“. I proceed to talk behind her back to other friends, announcing that ”that will never work out”. In this case the envy comes from my own fears of being the last unmarried one in my circle of friends. It comes from a place of loneliness and insecurity. Of fear of being left out, losing relationships and having nothing in common with the ‘married folk’. The image of being the last one standing. The spinster.
Don’t look at envy and think…’How can I be better than him’? Ask yourself ‘how can I be better than myself’? Because the problem isn’t with the other person, it is in who you are in your life at that moment. Where you are at. Where you intend to be. A good exercise is to express your thoughts out loud. “I rejoice in her success!”, “I embrace his new found confidence!”, “I am happy for their good fortune!”. And do NOT attach anything negative to these thoughts! Do not say, “I am happy for their good fortune…even though they don’t deserve it.” Do not say, “I am happy she got that job…even though she’s bound to get fired in a week.” Drop the negative connotations and just start with allowing yourself to be joyful. Of course this is going to be hard. It’s probably going to take quite a bit of time and missteps til you get it right. But it’s a start. And we all have to start somewhere.
Don’t seek sympathy in your envy. Do not find people that will automatically agree with your assessment of the situation. In other words, don’t seek validation of your envy in those who willingly will meet you at your level and reinforce that envy. Doing this is detrimental to your own well being. By seeking out that one friend who can agree with you that ’so-in-so is the biggest bitch ever’….or that ’so-in-so just doesn’t deserve anything good to happen to them’ is unhealthy. Seek out those who will listen to you and give an honest opinion. Even if you don’t like it. While it’s nice to feel validated and bolstered, it’s better to hear truth and honesty.
When you feel the green eyed monster coming up…try to take a step back and remain relaxed. Let the thought come in and think about it for a moment. Why does it really bother you? What is triggering that feeling? Rather than picking apart the person of your envy…pick apart the feeling you are experiencing. Now…shove it aside. Do something creative. Draw, write, rearrange furniture, sing. Give yourself an outlet to get into a calm space within. To explore the ‘why’, the root of the feeling. (Plus, this will keep you from saying something mean or stupid.)
Also, envy can be deeper seated than you think. For instance, if you have a long standing envious situation with a sibling, the root could be much deeper than you imagine. The parent favoring your sibling over you, the different approach to discipline between children, etc. If you just trust in your self to take a honest hard look, I’m sure you’ll find the end of the root.
So how does one fix envy? I think a start would be to make some good intentions toward that person. To hope for them more good fortune, more success, more patience, more understanding, more of this or that. Project onto them all that is good. This works on a couple levels. If you are thinking good thoughts for them, it relieves you of the hate, envy or negativity you feel toward them. By getting rid of all that negative stuff, you are creating a space for the positive. You are freeing yourself of the bonds of that negative energy and letting a more positive light surround you. By wishing someone else well, you are allowing the positive into your life as well. Considering that we are all part of a single energy in this universe, it only makes sense that wishing good or positive on others will reflect upon ourselves in our own lives.
Realize that envy in itself is negative energy and imagine that energy all around you. Let the feeling of envy come up, acknowledge it, let is dissolve and replace the negative thought with a positive thought. Let the positive become the new energy that envelops you. Realize that envy is at the bottom of the proverbial pile of energy. It’s sitting there festering…seeking encouragement and validation. It’s also just waiting to be freed. To be released. To make space for healthy positive energy so that you can move on.
Once you start this practice, you can incorporate this into other negative feelings in your life. Things that make you feel equally as awful like greed, hate, contempt, fear or anger. Here’s an example that can be relative at any stage in life: Having issues with a couple friends talking trash about you? Rather than letting the negative flow into your system…mentally project onto them feelings of fairness, love, acceptance and happiness. I’m not saying you should remain in an unhealthy environment….I am stating that you can physically remove your self and in your own quiet setting, wish upon them the qualities you would love them to obtain. You might find better friends in the interim. But you also might help them create a better energy.
Here’s another example: There’s that one friend that always seems to have things handed to her. She has trouble holding a job, cannot remain in a relationship, lies, steals and cheats. Yet, everything seems to fall into place. She falls into the proverbial pile of dung and comes out smelling like a rose. She never has to own up to her faults. She takes no responsibility for her bad behavior and is never held accountable. She feels society will carry her on all levels. It infuriates me to watch this destructive behavior and it pains me to no end that she hasn’t been caught…found out…and remains in this unhealthy cycle. I, on the other hand…work hard to be a good person. To ‘do unto others’. To provide for myself and not rely on someone else to provide for me. And look! I’m struggling! Here she is taking, taking, taking….and living a comfortable life….and here I am doing things ‘the right way’ and just ‘getting by’! It’s SO not fair!
Here we might have a bit of resentment, of hate and anger all rolled up into one gift you’d just love to exchange. And, usually behind every feeling of resentment, anger, hate or disdain there is envy. What I thought was disgust and disdain for her life style may really be envy. For the ease in which things fall into place for her. This is not to say that I condone or agree with her lifestyle or even want to live it…but I recognize the fact that I am envious of the relative ‘ease’ in which things come together for her. Whether it’s envy or not, there is still the anger here. And just like the negative energy spent when being envious, it’s just as detrimental with other unhealthy emotions.
Find a happy place by weeding through the muck and picking out something which you are grateful for every situation. If you build only on the bad, you are only hurting yourself and reinforcing the negative. If you can find the good in a situation or the person, you can rebuild your thoughts and energy in a positive direction. see also my post on gratitude.
And last but not least I think it’s very important to love yourself. Be grateful for the good. Don’t wish for the life that someone else has, embrace your own and make it what you want it to be.
“It’s not having what you want…it’s wanting what you’ve got” ~ Sheryl Crow (Lyrics – Soak Up The Sun)
